7 Common Reasons People Choose To Remain Single

Some people are single because of circumstances in their life, and others are single because they have chosen so. And many individuals feel like the victim for being single, as it is an inherent defence mechanism to consider that things have played out this way not because of you, but because of the other person.

Getting some of the unconventional answers on why you might still be single is a useful thing because it gives you some power over your own life. It makes seeing the world through a victimised lens less likely and instead puts you into a goal-oriented model. And thus the question becomes “What sort of internal challenges do you have to face?” Here are a few examples:

A lot of people have experienced some trauma in interpersonal relationships. If you are in the same boat, you have probably built up some level of bitterness and become defended. When you experience negative impacts, you become self-protected and more distrustful of affection. And it may be difficult to see when those defences are up, which then turns into blaming external forces for not being as open.

If you act on your defences, you will tend to end up in bad relationships. For example, you may fall for an emotionally unavailable individual and then blame them without realising that it is a pattern you have allowed to happen. Sometimes the reason for seeking out unhealthy relationships is deeply rooted in fear of intimacy. Breaking with such patterns causes great deals of stress and sometimes even can make you feel alien to a more loving environment.

There are different ways in which fear of intimacy manifests. You can be doubtful about someone’s interest, or downright shoot them down, to avoid a loving experience that you may otherwise say you want. Certain defence mechanisms keep you from letting someone else in because it opens you to vulnerability.

You may be feeling too judgmental and picky because of your own defences. This is especially true after you have had an unsuccessful relationship that left you in tethers. When you acquire that critical view, you may start writing off people even without giving them a chance.

A lot of people desire a fulfilling relationship, but they fear they are not worthy of one. This critical inner voice tells them they are too different, or too fat, or too anything to be desired by anyone. Listening to the inner voice can only result in one thing — pushing people away. If you have low self-esteem, you may find it difficult to establish connections or pursue people you are attracted to.

As you age, you will find that it is easier to just retreat to your comfort zone. Becoming more successful and self-sufficient is a great prospect. But it does tend to form a bubble around you, which can be difficult to break. The prospect of taking risks and putting yourself out there can seem particularly unneeded and stressful.

If you can develop certain rules for yourself, based on past experiences. For example, if a relationship with someone you have felt an instant spark of attraction didn’t work out, you may start thinking that from now on you will only go after the opposite. The problem with rules is that they hardly work ideally, creating more barriers to finding happiness, rather than protecting us from heartbreak.

It is important to realise that some of these truths may apply to you and what you can do to better your life and your relationship status.

© Kate Mansfield Dating Coach



I am Kate, a professional relationship coach in London.

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